


Not Again (Second part of He Came Back)

by MaddyBoo



Series: I Just Want A Little More: part two [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Collegestuck, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Heartbreak, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-13
Updated: 2013-10-13
Packaged: 2017-12-29 08:15:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1003078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddyBoo/pseuds/MaddyBoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With summer about to begin, the world outside turning a dark green with the sun gleaming down through the branches above you, your classes are dwindling down to the last few days. While this is a fucking amazing thing that your brain and concentration has been dying for there is one factor that is making you absolutely dread the last day you’ll be spending on campus before going back to your fathers. The thing that has you wringing your hands nervously and even more on edge than usual is that you have exactly to the last second of your last class to tell Gamzee how you really feel about him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Again (Second part of He Came Back)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay! So I have finally written this and it is not really my best work but I felt like I made all of you wonderful readers wait too long for it so i'm posting it! The main thing I want to say is that there will be one more part to this, which I will hopefully have posted around the start of next month. This one I am using in order to set up the next part. C:  
> THIS IS PART TWO OF HE CAME BACK.  
> I was having trouble setting it up as a series so im just going to do it this way.

With summer about to begin, the world outside turning a dark green with the sun gleaming down through the branches above you, your classes are dwindling down to the last few days. While this is a fucking amazing thing that your brain and concentration has been dying for there is one factor that is making you absolutely dread the last day you’ll be spending on campus before going back to your fathers. The thing that has you wringing your hands nervously and even more on edge than usual is that you have exactly to the last second of your last class to tell Gamzee how you really feel about him.

You have been trying to force the words between the huge lump in your throat whenever you try to bring up the subject, but something always seems to get in the way… that something usually involving whispered moans and shared breathes in moments that take away every single thing on your mind away except for him and you and this moment.

The first few times you had tried it ended up just like the first time he came back all over again. So after about five or six times, which you know admit that considering the amount of hookups what was supposed to be an emotional reveal had turned into you hadn’t been doing your best to tell him, then you started to take ask him to hang out with you in public. At first you thought it was a fool proof plan to go to one of the most boring places on campus which is the library.

Everything had started out as planned. The room was dead quiet with people nose-deep in eight inch font and a librarian with her mouth drawn up in an everlasting sneer. You had found a comfy table in the back where people couldn’t hear or see the two of you, giving you a completely private area but yet being social enough that if things begin to go down the road it usually does you can easily come back to your senses.

As you tried to fight your way through you dry throat in order to express to him how you want him to be more than a friend he tried to comfort you with small kisses on the check in order to calm you down. He had put chaste kisses on your cheek innocently trying to help you overcome the nerves but all that happened was you forgot everything that you had planned to say, being once a-fucking-gain caught up in his presence. Innocent kisses quickly turned to heated kisses and next thing you know Gamzee is kneeling under the, his tall form making his head bump into the top of the wooden table, with your zipper down and his warm, moist mouth enveloping your member.

With his tongue caressing you length teasingly, a firm arm draped casually over your hips too keep them from bucking, you are not able to stop the moans, groans, and growls of frustration from the sweet sensation that is oh so close but can’t exactly get you over that sweet blissful edge. When you are painfully zipped back up both him and you stumble off to the closest janitors closet in order to finish.

Now, you only have one short week in order to finally tell him. You’re planning on doing so later tonight, in the middle of Terezi’s thank fuck classes are (almost) over party. At least there, if it goes the way you are so desperately hoping, then him and you can party and have fun for the rest of the night, but if it goes bad…well, it will be easier to disappear from him in the midst of the drunken crowd.

With a deep sigh you place both of your pale hands over your eyes, blocking out the sunlight that is able to shine down in between the green leaves above you. There is a bird singing melodically as the breeze gently sweeps throughout the small park, but it seems off somehow. The song sounds as if it needs one other person in order to complete the toon, a high to match the low whistle. It seems unnervingly…lonely to your ears.

You don’t realize that you are starting to nod off when your phones ringtone makes you jump awake. Grumpily you push yourself up onto your arms, then into a sitting position as you dig around in your hoodie’s pocket for the rectangular piece of complete shit some company had the gall to deem a cell phone.

Displayed on the cracked screen is a message from Terezi. With a sigh you open the message, already knowing that she is most likely texting you to remind you apart her party for the fifth fucking time today.

YOU B3TT3R B3 G3TT1NG R34DY K4RKL3S!

TEREZI, IT IS FIVE FUCKING HOURS UNTIL YOUR FUCKING PARTY. NOW WOULD YOU BE EVER SO GOD DAMN POLITE AND JUMP OFF MY FUCKING ASS? I ALREADY SAID I WOULD GO.

BUT YOUR 4SS IS JUST SO D3LICIOUS ;) 4LSO IF I DON’T S33 YOU 4T MY P4RTY YOU 4R3 GOING TO DO MY L4UNDRY FOR TH3 N3XT Y34R!

FIRST, WHAT THE FUCK?!? AND SECOND, WHO IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THAT I AM GOING TO DO ANY OF SHITTY CHORES?

I 4M T3R3ZI PYROP3, SOON TO B3 GR4DU4T3D L4WY3R.

URGH WHATEVER. LIKE I SAID, ILL BE THERE.

YOU B3TT3R!

Shoving your phone back into your pocket you stand up, stretching with your arms over your head. Looking back at the subway in front of you you find that the line has nearly vanished compared to how long it was the first time you looked in. You had walked from your dorm to the subway, and after seeing the line had decided to wait for it to dwindle down but you had apparently stayed there longer than you had meant to.

When you walk in the doorbell chimes above your head, alerting the worker that you entered. You’ve been here about once a week so now you don’t even have to order your food, instead the workers just know what you want beforehand, which is completely fine with you. The less conversing you have to do with people the better.

You hand over the five dollars crumpled in your pocket, in exchange having the sandwich handed over to you.  The walk back to your dorm seems even longer most likely due to the fact that you have hot, mouth-watering food in your hands that your stomach is growling up a goddamned storm for.

As soon as you get home your hands are skillfully unwrapping the package sandwich while you kick your shoes off and flip on the TV. With your feet curled up on the couch you munch on your food while TV screen shows some fashion show Kanaya had on yesterday before she had to catch a flight back to her fashion school in Paris. She had a week break from school which she spent with you in your dorm room. It was nice to have her here, allowing the two for you to fall back into your comfortable routine like back when you were in high school. Not only was it great to have that familiarity back but it was also awesome being able to actually fully explain your situation with Gamzee.

She, as expected, is not a huge fan of the friends with benefits agreement the two of you have going. She didn’t approve of it in high school and she certainly doesn’t approve of it now. She had said that the best thing for the two of you to do is to stop having sexual relations unless you are in a committed relationship. Only if it could be as easy as it sounds.

When the two of you were separated for those five months it had been a constant aching broken heart that was always swelling up in your chest. Although living like this, harboring stronger feelings for someone who has never shown you’re anything more than a friend and a fuck, is completely messing with the practically nonexistent self-confidence you had before. You’re quite aware that the relationship between him and you is damaging to yourself; it is not healthy in any way whatsoever. But at the same time life had seemed so much worse when he wasn’t in your life. You guess he can be considered a drug to you right now, completely and only damaging to your overall self, but you need him all the same.

Balling up the wrapper you toss it into your garbage which is a few feet away from you, almost to the point of overflowing but fuck if you think you’re about to get up right now. You can deal with that later. Leaning back on your bed you drag all of your school material that you need to study off of for your finals.

For the next five hours or so you lose yourself in pages among pages of textbooks and shittily copied down notes that you can barely decipher even though you had written them yourself. You jot down important notes that you have to remember, or underline the most important people and write down what it is that they are important for. If it wasn’t for your cell phone to go off and jar you out of your intense concentration you most likely would have completely forgotten all about Terezi’s party.

You exclaim a quick fuck when you see that according to your phone’s clock it is almost six. Already you are pushing aside all of the books and papers filling your lap as you jump up off your bed while you open the new message you had received.

HeY mOtHeRfUcKeR, wHeRe Is My MiRaClE bRoThEr AlL uP aNd At:O?

Your baggy grey sweatpants are hurriedly exchanged for the pair of black jeans Kanaya had brought over for you that she had made for a project, one leg in the pant leg as your thumbs quickly tap out a message.

IM ON MY WAY.

With your phone set down on your bed you pull off your current shirt in order to throw on one of your newer hoodies. You know Kanaya would be cringing if she saw what you were choosing to wear to a public party but you can’t give less of a shit.

YoU bEtTeR hUrRy KaRbRo. MoThErFuCkInG TeRsIs Is GeTtInG hEr RiGhToUs SeArCh oN fOr YoU

“Fuck.” You grumble as you shove you phone into your pocket and head out the door.

You pay not a single ounce of attention to anyone else as you begin the walk to Terezi’s sorioty house. You manage not to run into anyone who might delay your appearance at her party any longer than you already are, or at least until you got out of your dorm’s building.

“Karkitty!” you hear exclaimed close by before you feel two tanned arms clamp tightly around your mid-driff and into a hug.

“Hi Nepeta.” You grumble in reply.

It’s not that you don’t like her, you actually think she is a very nice and sweet girl, but once she gets a sight of you it’s rather difficult to get her to leave you alone again. You swear this girl has a fucking radar for you, it seems she is always able to find you. You honestly just don’t want to talk to her because you’re very aware that she has a huge crush on you. It’s not that you’re a huge dick and you don’t like her, therefore you want nothing to do with her. It’s just that you always feel guilty about the fact that you can’t even imagine yourself being with her because you are so caught up on someone else. In a way she is in the same situation as you are yourself, containing greater feelings for someone who doesn’t return them.

“Are mew going to Terezi’s party too?” she asks, not at all deterred by your usual gruph demeanor.

“Yeah, and she is going to kick my fucking ass for being late. Why are you late anyways?” you ask, throwing a sideways glance at her as you continue to walk across the grass.

“Oh, hee hee. I had to help Equius figure out what to wear for his date!” she proclaims cheerfully.

“His date?”

“Yeah! I introduced him to one of my roleplaying furiends. Her names Aradia and they are pawsobily just the cutest couple!!!”

You give her a small nod before happily allowing an enjoyable quiet to take place of conversation. It’s not until you can see the bright white sorority house that towers over all the buildings beside it that you become aware of the nerves that are flipping your stomach every which way. All throughout the day you had carefully been avoiding allowing yourself to think about what you’re planning to do at this party. You were doing so well containing your jittery feelings so you don’t back up until now.

Not for the first time when you go to try and tell him you feel bile start to form in the very back of your throat while your nerves only get worse. What if he says no? What if you put all of your scrambled, raw emotions plainly out there for him, to let him see every little piece of you, only to laugh in your face? Will you be able to accept it when he tells you he doesn’t see you any more than a mediocre fuck?

You don’t realize that you’re fretting over your bottom lip while your usual pessimistic attitude comes back to viciously bite you in your ass until you hear Nepeta’s chiming voice beside you.

“Huh?” you question, completely having missed what she said.

“Are mew purrhaps metting a date here?” There’s a dusty rose colored blush beginning to appear on her face.

Oh shit. Fuck. Fucking shit! Please please please please please don’t do this Nepeta.

“No…” you answer carefully.

Immediately she perks up, the motion sensored cat ears moving while her brown hair bounces slightly around them.

Holy motherfucking plaid dicks this is not going good. NONONONONO.

Before you know it you are devising escape plans because you really just don’t have the heart to tell her no. That makes you such a complete asshole and you know that but please Nepeta, just stop right the fuck there. It was hard enough to tell her the first time that you only liked her as a friend. You really do not want to have to do that again.

“Would mew like to go with m-“

“Good evening Karkat, Nepeta.” Rose elegantly cuts in. You don’t think that you will ever be happier to see her than right now.

“Hey.” You greet, While Nepeta seems to deflate a little but says hello nonetheless.

“I am terribly sorry Nepeta but I am afraid I must steal away Karkat for a few moments. I really hope you don’t mind awfully.” Rose smiles apologetically at Nepeta.

“No Puroblem! But could I maybe stop by tomorrow to purlay with Jaspers?”

“Of course. You are always welcomed to see him whenever you are able to.”

She beams at Rose who is a few inches taller than her. “Thanks! I’ll see mew tomorrow then Rose! Bye Karkitty! Purhaps I may just prowl up on mew later!” she giggles before turning away from you, heading up the stairs to where the party is.

Turning your attention from her you look at Rose who is looking at you with an expectant look, a small smirk appearing on her glossed lips.

With a sigh you grumble out a thanks.

“You really should tell her how you feel you know. It would be a lot easier.” Rose chastises you as she begins to walk towards the party.

“I know. Its just so fucking hard. I swear to god Kanaya’s mother hen instincts wore off on you for the week she was here.”

She chuckles softly, stopping just outside the entrances door. “I actually want to talk to you about Kanaya. I was never able to obtain her pesterchum handle before she went back to school so I was wondering if you could do me the favor of giving it to me?”

“It’s grimAuxiliatrix. Do you want me to text you it later so you know how it’s spelled?”

“Yes, I believe that would be of the greatest help to me. Thank you.”

“No problem.” You respond as you begin to make your way through the doors where you can already hear loud, thumping music playing but a delicate hand on your shoulder stops you. You glance back at Rose who is leaning down towards you a little, her vibrant purple eyes focused on your own brownish red ones.

“Good luck tonight Karkat. I’m sure he won’t be able to refuse you.”

She gives you a gentle smile, one that has confidence beginning to edge its way through you. It’s great to hear encouraging words that support what you are about to do.

“Thanks.” You say, giving her a small smile.

She retracts her hand, standing back up right, making her pale blonde hair fall back into place around her chin. “Now, if you do not mind, I am going to go find where the alcoholic refreshments are.”

Moving past you she gracefully makes her way into the building, disappearing around a corner where flashing lights are coming from. She walks almost as gracefully as Kanaya, able to swiftly move in between other bodies of people with them only realizing anyone had been there at all because of a slight gust of wind.

You suck in a deep breath, trying to calm down all the butterflies in your stomach, before forcing your feet to move you forward and past the tall white doors. The entrance room has a high ceiling above you that has been covered in multi-colored streamers and blow up balloons of every color imaginable. You can’t help but to get the assumption that Terezi had a major part when it came to decorations.

As you turn the corner you are greeted by an unexpected amount of people. Terezi had said that it was going to be a small party just for her friends; you didn’t realize that she is apparently buddies with half of the campus.

A group of girls are compacted closely together in front of the doorway as they giggle and chat over their lives. This wouldn’t have bothered you one bit if you would have been able to move past the small tribe of blondes, but they obviously do not have a single ounce of common sense because they are blocking the entire fucking doorway like assholes.

“Excuse me.” You say, trying to get them to hear you above the loud thumping music.

They continue to talk, the one directly in front of you running her manicured nails through her hair.

“Excuse me!” you say louder, annoyance starting to hit you when they don’t hear you once again.

“Fucking excuse me please!” you yell at them, making everyone’s head who is in hearing proximity snap towards you.

Fucking hallelujah they finally notice you, moving out of the way with disgusted looks on their faces at your rudeness. You don’t give a single fuck if you offended their delicate feelings. They shouldn’t have been running a god damned gossip group in the middle of the walkway.

Squeezing past them you spot the refreshment table overflowing with food, along with people who buzz around the area like annoying fruit flies. You wouldn’t be surprised if they stay there all night. Instead of there being a designated dancing area there are couples and groups scattered throughout the entire room. You don’t mind the groups of friends who are dancing as if they are in the middle of a sacrificial ritual, or the couples who are slow dancing although you feel a slight pang in your chest, what you do mind are the couples who are practically having sex. You absolutely hate when people grind against each other. As you search for Terezi and/or Gamzee you stay as far away as possible from the grinding couples.

It’s only been twenty minutes and you want to get the fuck out of here. There are just way to many people and mingling smells of body sweet, overly sweet perfume, and too-strong cologne that it is starting to make your head dizzy. All you want to do is find Terezi to let her know you showed up so she won’t rip you a new asshole later, and to find Gamzee so you can finally tell him how you want him so much more than what you two are right now.

You’ve managed to get past most of the crowd, making it close to the bathrooms across from Dave who is DJing. You have to admit that the music he is making is pretty good considering it is being directed for people to dance too, especially when you know that he hates having to do remixes of popular dance songs rather than play his own tracts. Since the two of you are bros you have gotten to hear what he produces himself, and you would be lying through your teeth if you said you didn’t enjoy his ‘sick beats’.

The flashing lights caused by hastily set up strobe lights bounce off his shades when he looks up towards you, giving you a small two figured salute. In response you give him a rough wave back. You are just about to start making your way towards him when out of the corner of your eye you spot a familiar purple beanie with a clown smiley face on it covering up a mess of dark hair. Immediately your heart picks up its pace. There he is. It’s now or never. You have to do this.

You have to tell him.

With your fisted hands shoved safely into your hoodies pocket you change your direction and follow after the tall male who just entered a hallway. There are so many thoughts flying through your head that you don’t have the ability to calm down. Before tonight you had been spending the last two weeks figuring out how exactly you were going to tell him. You worded it, then reworded it, only to change everything you were going to say all over again. But now that it’s actually happening, now that the moment is only seconds away, everything that you had planned to say evaporates your mind, leaving behind only overwhelming emotions.

Determination fills you as you walk in between other people, not once getting distracted. With every inch closer the hallway gets to you the stronger the feelings that you need to shove your head into the nearest trash can in order to puke out your guts gets.

Directly outside of the hallway you allow yourself to stop, taking in a deep breath to calm your nerves and let you be able to focus more clearly.

The hallway is a great deal darker than the other room, so your eyes need to take a moment in order to adjust. The first thing you spot is the shadowed outline of what can only be Gamzee’s tall and lean figure. Your heart is beating so fast in your chest you swear its going to burst right out of your chest just to land on the floor and beat all of your feelings right out into the open on the floor.

Your heart only seems to become lighter when you hear Gamzee’s deep rumble of a chuckle sounding, making you take a step closer to him. Or that is at least until you hear another person.

“Shut up clown.”

Your heart completely stops when you hear her familiar voice.

“We can all up and motherfucking take care of that my blind bitch.”

Its at that exact moment a strobe light runs over the entrance to the hallway, lighting up everything in its path, including the makeouts that are happening between Gamzee and Terezi.

Time absolutely freezes as your heart shatters inside your chest while the light leaves, leaving you in a dark hallway with one of your best friends making out with the guy you are in love with. Of course, Terezi doesn’t know how you feel, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Next thing you know you are running out of thee, out of the party, out of the building. You can’t think. The only thing on your mind is the image of him and her on freeze in the forefront of your thoughts.

You had thought that him choosing Tavros over you was the worst thing you would ever feel, but you were wrong. Gamzee being with Terezi hurt so incredibly more. Where Tavros only had the upper hand of having a far better personality than yourself, Terezi is simply…wonderful. She’s funny, happy, beautiful, outgoing, everything that you’re not. She also has the upper hand of being a girl so where with Tavros you had felt it was just because you had a lesser character than him, now you feel as if every single thing about you is wrong to him.

                                ************************************************

It has been two days and it still hurts so fucking badly. It feels like you ripped your own heart straight out of your chest, which you pretty much have. Ever since you developed feelings that surpassed friendship for him you had been setting yourself up for failure. With every opportunity you had to tell him that you had passed up was only adding another thorn to your heart.

You managed to finish your finals and pass the classes. Now you are quickly packing your shit up in order to shove it all into your shitty car and drive back home to the town of buttfuck nowhere.

It takes you god damned forever to drag out your luggage and pack them into the trunk of your car. Once everything is safely tucked in you sit in the front seat, starting up your car, and when you are reaching to turn on the radio you feel your phone buzz inside your pocket.

You debate whether or not you should check the message, and end up deciding you might as well. Pulling out your phone you see you have text messages from Terezi and Gamzee. They have been trying to get a hold of you ever since two nights ago but you haven’t been able to bring yourself to respond.

With unsteady hands and a heavy heart you begin a new text message, typing out two simple words that are so hard for you to say.

WE’RE DONE.

You thought it would have felt like the earth lifting off of you as you send the message to Gamzee, but instead it feels like you just dismissed the greatest part of your life. Overall you know that doing this is the best thing you can do for your own health, although you doubt that ending what you had with Gamzee will ever get any easier.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments much appreciated!  
> :D


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